The first Mother’s Day after my mum died felt as though I was grieving her loss all over again. Once Valentine’s Day was over, shops in the UK were awash with all things ‘Mum’. It devastated me; there was no escape from it. I remember crying every time I passed a card shop, sometimes even crossing the road to avoid seeing the celebratory cards and gifts.
I always made sure that I treated my mum especially well on Mother’s Day. She was a single parent who took on the dad role as well. Everything she did was for our family. I remember buying a card one year with the words ‘Super Mum’, and she really was. Looking back now, and as a parent myself, I’m in total awe of her.
In that first year without her, I stayed strong for my young son, enjoying being spoiled and pampered. But on the inside, the grief was overwhelming. I felt sad, angry that she had been taken from me long before her time, and guilty for the times when I had taken her for granted. How is it possible to hold so many emotions at the same time?
Counselling helped me through those dark periods. It didn’t cure me, but it gave me the space to sit with the gut-wrenching pain of losing her and to process what my new version of normal might look like. I was able to say the things that I was scared to say in front of family and friends, worried that I might burden them or that they might be shocked by what I had to say.
Through processing my grief, I was able to begin finding answers to my questions. I learned to accept her death and to accept that I would never be the same again. Those realisations slowly brought hope that I could find joy again, without the guilt that she was no longer here.
Tonkin’s model of grief really resonated with me, and many of my clients find comfort in it too. There is a common misconception that as time passes, our grief becomes smaller. In reality, the grief stays the same size — we carry it with us throughout our lives. But by allowing ourselves to grieve and process our loss, our lives can slowly grow around that grief, expanding in ways that make space for both sorrow and joy.
What a thing.
Sending love and light to all of those who are without their mothers today.
If this day brings difficult feelings for you, having space to talk about your grief can sometimes help.